Boundaries

by Amy Flink

Well, okay, I know I haven't written here in awhile but I felt led to write again about a valuable lesson I learned growing up...

 I was in college when I first learned about boundaries (in relationships). Before then, I was pretty clueless about them. I was raised to be kind to everyone but didn't realize I didn't always have to say "yes", although my mom did tell me I didn't always have to give in (I guess I was being too nice at times).

I remember my 2nd grade school year...I had switched schools and was very excited to make new friends and maybe too eager...I brought my sticker album to school one day, intending to trade. I wound up giving away all my favorite, special, expensive stickers for nothing in return, all because I wanted to please people. I was grieved later on, since they were among my prized possession.

  I told my mom about the sticker incident and she encouraged me to set some boundaries with my sticker collection. Next time I traded stickers, I put my foot down when someone wanted one of my favorite stickers...we ended up having a little spat about it, but she later forgave me. (She was a true friend)! But that's another story...

As a young teen, I knew very little, if anything, about boundaries in relationships and tended to be a people- pleaser. If someone I considered a friend was quiet or abrupt towards me one day, I assumed they were mad at me. I guess I was desperate for friends so sometimes against my better judgment I chose to be in relationships with people who were worse off than me. I got burned. By people who were "supposed to be" my friends! I let someone into my home only to have them criticize my house. The problem was it was a one-sided relationship and I was doing all the work so I was being sucked dry! I told her things I shouldn't have told her, only to get stabbed through the heart. One-sided relationships were destroying my life! 

I was raised to be street smart, not accept rides or candy from strangers, respect my elders, etc., but I didn't realize I should set these rules with acquaintances or people I thought were friends but didn't know real well yet, as well. 

 I spent the first 11 years of my life in a busy, fast-growing community; a town called Lynnwood, a suburb north of Seattle. All in all, it was the idyllic childhood. I was showered with love. I was taught not to go in other peoples' yards without permission, have good manners, treat others the way I wanted to be treated, and follow the rules, etc. 

  I lived in a late-1960's housing development called Starlite Park (I didn't know that was the name of that place at the time; had I known, as a Rainbow Brite fan, I would've been thrilled! It was the name on the title deed when my mom was signing papers to sell our house years later). Starlite Park was a series of single-family homes, a mix of both one and two stories high, in a mostly white-collar, working-class neighborhood. The neighborhood was still pretty young when I was a baby, and right near a highschool. The highschool's play-field was across the street from my house, which featured green belt, wooded areas, hills, trails, even a canyon-- plus the vegetation over there yielded yummy huckleberries, blackberries, and sometimes wild strawberries. We loved to go over there and play ball, run around, hike, pick berries, explore. When we'd get a lot of snow we'd take our sleds over there and slide down a big hill with the other neighborhood kids. 

   Living near a highschool, I sometimes eye/ear-witnessed things by high-school kids that weren't very pleasant (drug use--although I was pretty naive about it- vandalism, rude/crude behavior, littering, and strong language) but I was still sheltered from the worst of it and taught to stay away from shady people. I remember a lot of broken glass over there--which is why we weren't allowed to go barefoot outside very much. 
  One night a group of high school kids decided it was a good idea to have a marijuana party right in our front yard (obviously these kids didn't know about boundaries!) I was in preschool at the time and remember laying awake that night hearing kids talking outside but not realizing what was going on. My mom called the police, and I guess it didn't happen again!

   Bordering the highschool property just north of my neighborhood, I discovered a junkyard. It was like a totally different world from my Lynnwood suburban neighborhood. I honestly didn't pay much attention to that junkyard at the time since I wasn't really allowed to go out on my own very often. I knew better than to trespass over there and besides, the place was creepy. My buddy Kellie and I were scared of that place. My dad knew the junk man, and occasionally talked to him over the fence when he'd take us on walks over at the highschool. 

   There was a trail that goes through the woods up a hill on the highschool property and takes you past our neighborhood along the fence-line bordering the backyards, up past his property and you could peer through the fence and see his junkyard. 

   One day my friend Tara said she wanted to show me some "haunted houses". Turned out the "haunted houses" were a couple of run-down outbuildings on the junk-man's property. 

  My mom warned me never to go over there. There was a rumor that the junk-man shot at a kid whom he caught trespassing/vandalizing his property. I knew better than to actually trespass, and had no desire, but my mom didn't want us near there.

   OK, I confess that Tara and I went up there anyway (staying on the higschool grounds and just peering over the fence into his yard), but didn't do any trespassing. We rationalized that we weren't breaking any laws. I was a little nervous, thinking that any minute I'd hear gunfire. Of course, nothing happened. 

In hindsight I learned from those experiences that boundaries on land are equally important as boundaries in relationships and other areas, be it money, alcohol, etc. Boundaries keep you out of harm's way, trouble, and possibly even an early death. They keep you happy and healthy, and are very rewarding.

  

In college I realized I was doing too much for people who were impossible to please and acted like what I did for them was never good enough. I was full of discontent due to this. One-sided relationships were sucking me dry! 

In conclusion, I learned that it is okay to say "no" every once in awhile and you cannot please everybody, anyways. I know now that true friends should love you for who you are, NOT for what you do for them. If they get mad when you say "no", well, that means it's time to move on. Real friends will respect your wishes. 

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. 

~ Psalm 16:6 NIV